Hey everyone,
For anyone who has watched football over the last few weeks, you’ve probably seen the Beyonce DirecTV commercial enough times so that are probably already involuntarily humming, “Upgrade ya, Upgrade ya (Clap Clap) And lemme upgrade YOU to the best channels in HD… only on DirecTV… UPGRADE YA… I’m talking about the hottest channels… not that HD lineup you get on cable… DirecTV, now that’s a good look! Lemme lemme lemme upgrade ya grade ya!” This commercial is cross-producing her new album, I am… Sasha Fierce, in which Beyonce debuts her alter-ego, Sasha Fierce. Sasha Fierce, which is an anagram for ‘I Shear Faces’ and ‘Ass Face Heir,’ is Beyonce’s “sensual, aggressive alter ego” who is “strictly for the stage.” However, at first glance, there doesn’t appear to be much of a difference between Beyonce and her alter ego. For example, Beyonce and Sasha Fierce both love to have two backup singers wherever they go, whether it’s Destiny’s Child, Check on It, her movie DreamGirls or her Sasha Fierce video. Even as a child, it seems she had back-up singers and a camera at all times. It appears that Beyonce’s ego, alter ego and super ego have inferiority complexes that can only be solved by paying Kelly Rowland to follow her every move.
So what is the difference? Sasha Fierce wears a power glove! I was hoping that it was the Nintendo version of the Power Glove from the 1980s, and that Sasha Fierce would go on the road with Fred Savage to the Nintendo World Video Championships and, after intimidating the crowd with her Power Glove prowess, sneer at Rihana and say, “I love the Power Glove. It’s so bad.”
Tragically, Beyonc… err… Sasha Fierce is sporting a random titanium “power glove,” which means that Beyonce has all of the signs of the Musician Who Has Snapped and Completely Gone Off the Deep End. Here’s a checklist:
* Weird clothing such as flamboyant outfits, bizarre costumes, rhinestones, or gloves? CHECK
* Bizarre behavior? CHECK
* A double album? CHECK
(I mentioned this because my friend Steve has a theory that all musicians who put out a double album inevitably suck afterwards and their careers come crashing down. Prime example: The Smashing Pumpkins. I almost put Guns N’ Roses, but its debatable whether Use Your Illusion was a double album since it was two different CDs released on the same day. But Guns N’ Roses blew apart anyways after its release, so it proves my point.)
* An alter-ego that the musician considers an extension of their art, but nobody takes seriously? CHECK
By the way, it’s not a good omen for Beyonce’s career that the parallels between Sasha Fierce and Garth Brook’s laughably terrible Chris Gaines experiment are so strong. From the “Who is …” websites (Sasha Fierce and Chris Gaines), the bizarre outfits (the Power Glove and Chris Gaines’ bizarre country/emo outfit complete with soul patch) and contrived back stories. Did you know Chris Gaines released six albums from 1986-1996 with titles such as Straight Jacket and Fornucopia? No? That’s because they’re not real! Just like Sasha Fierce.
This alter ego trend is not limited to musicians. Take actress Anne Heche, who claimed that, while dating Ellen DeGenerous, her body was inhabited by Celestia, an alien from another planet who could talk to dead people, see into the future, and was a half-sister of Jesus Christ. I’ve always wondered how Ellen felt when Anne said, “we need to break up, because you haven’t been dating me. You’ve been dating an alien who possessed my body. But now that I’m OK and free from my alien oppressor, I don’t think we going to work.” That has to be on the list of most devastating break-ups ever! How do you bounce back from that? Is Ellen’s dancing shtick actually some spiritual cleansing ritual that makes her feel better? I need to know these things!
Some people embrace their alien alter agos. Take Cleveland Browns Wide Receiver Donte Stallworth, who believes that his body is inhabited by an alien from Mars named Nicco when he is playing:
Stallworth doesn’t let Nicco do interviews. He’s allowed to come out during games, but then, Stallworth says, Nicco is sent to Mars. “He only comes around during the game time,” Stallworth said. “And I say that because off the field, I’m laid back. I’m not a real outgoing person, but when I get on the field. I’m a totally different person. I feel like I’m just crazy out there, so he’s gone back now.”
Amazingly, there may be a photographed moment of when Nicco was created. In the end, alter egos like Nicco are harmless. Other alter egos, which magically appear when a football players commits any sort of felony like Michael “(Ron Mexico)” Vick and Plexico “Harris Smith” Burress.
Naturally, there is a fine line between “silly” and “bizarre.” Which is why I wasn’t really annoyed when Tampa Bay Buccaneers Defensive End Greg White legally changed his name from Gregory Alphonso White Jr. to Stylez G. White. The name ‘Stylez’ is based on the character Stiles from the movie Teen Wolf, and I’m not sure if changing it to ‘Stylez’ gives him more or less street cred or even if that matters in Tampa. (“Come on Stylez, let’s go the the original Hooters!”)
Nor was I terribly concerned when Chad Johnson changed his name to Chad Ocho Cinco since his jersery number is 85. Of course, if he gets traded to a team with a guy who already has #85, then he’s in real trouble. Plus, it would provide the opportunity to try to say “At Wide Receiver, Chad Ocho Cinco, #19″ without getting extremely confused and demanding that we change the number 4 to ‘Favre.’ At least he didn’t change his name to ‘Chad Uno Zero Uno Zero Uno Zero Uno.’
Yes, like Sasha Fierce, it’s a sign that Chad Johnson lost his mind. But it’s not harmless, unless you had Chad Johnson on your fantasy team, then you’re screwed. You aren’t dating the alien half-sister of Christ, getting shot in the leg by Harris Smith or catching herpes from Ron Mexico. Of course, his fantasy stats may have been better if he was wearing a Power Glove.
Hope you enjoyed,
Matt “LaMatthew Poland” Morrison