Hey everyone,
I got a random text message from my friend Laura, which said: “Great quote heard about an awful movie – Twilight: And when in direct sunlight, he wasn’t dying, he was just wearing body glitter.” I was in no condition to question or mock this text message for a number of reasons. First, I was drunk and watching High School Musical 3. Second, I was completely unfamiliar and uninterested in Twilight. From an outsider’s perspective, it seemed like Emo Buffy the Goth Vampire Slayer. Plus, I wasn’t particularly interested in Twilight, because vampire movies have been terrible since “Interview with the Vampire” simultaneously killed the genre and began Tom Cruise’s crazed descent into Oprah’s couch.
Vampire movies had always been horrifying, like Nosferatu; drenched in camp, like Blacula (“Dracula’s Soul Brotha!”) or “Blood and Donuts”; or both, like From Dusk Til Dawn. In all of these movies, the vampires chased after human prey. But “Interview with the Vampire” presented a twist: the vampire as victim. They were still dark and foreboding, but they were emoting instead of killing. The vampire also became hyper sexualized, so they become horny emo guys. This is why I was intrigued by the “body glitter” comment, because – as we all know – the only vampire to walk during the day is Blade, and he’s now in jail for tax evasion charges. I feared that this was an angle to make the vampires more empathic, and therefore more cliche.
Well, as it turns out, the vampires in Twilight do not die when they see the sun. Instead, their skin shines like diamonds when the sun hits – just like Michael Jackson! The concept of vampires not fearing the sun is not unique; it was already done in Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. And the vampires consciously choose to not go outside because the glowing skin gives away their position. They are vampires; they are much stronger, much faster and EAT PEOPLE! I am pretty confident they would control the world if they decided to emerge from the darkness. And I don’t think people could run away from them, even if they glow. Velociraptors could glow all them want, but if they are chasing me, I’m not getting away.
I don’t buy the logic. The real reason, in my opinion, these vampires don’t go into the sun is so they have an excuse to be sad and pout around while shopping at Hot Topic and Trader Joe’s. They can’t go out during the day, and society hates them, which makes them forbidden… and therefore sexy to teenage girls.
I hadn’t figured out this dynamic of the popularity of the film when I posted this as a Facebook status: “how is Twilight popular? I am the only person who realizes how dumb the premise is?” As you can probably tell, I set off a firestorm of teen angst. I got about 30 e-mails separate from that thread from people telling me why I am an idiot for not recognizing that Edward is sexy and I am jealous because I don’t glitter in the sun (I don’t glitter, I burn because I’m Irish) and that I don’t appreciate people who love brooding, dark loners in movies who then go to school and pick on brooding, dark loners in real life.
My personal favorite e-mail was from my friend Becky Reyno, who writes, “ok let’s have this out right now. It’s about forbidden love, instant chemistry and the perfect man who could crush you with his hand. How HOT is that? and by the way YOU’RE a dumb premise….oooh snap! although I’m not into it like the 15 year old girls. I don’t scream and cry and cut my neck…. Yikes. That being said, I would do Robert Pattinson, Edward and Robert Pattinson as Edward in a hot second.”
Forbidden love, instant chemistry and the perfect man who could crush you with his hand… it’s Ike Turner! So let me get this straight: the perfect man is a guy whose skin condition makes him look like Michael Jackson when he goes outside and says lines like, “Do I dazzle you?” Seriously? Think about it for a second; if somebody came up to you and said, “Do I dazzle you,” exactly how fast are you trying to find an exit? (Or in this case, since he’s a vampire, a stake).
I suppose I don’t get it. I’m not a brooding loner, I am usually liked by my girlfriend’s parents and I am not particularly forbidden. Maybe I am just out of touch with reality. Maybe I’m a hater.
It’s still a stupid premise.
Hope you enjoyed,
Matt Morrison