Random Thoughts on a Friday – 11/21/2008

Hey everyone,

- I am pretty sure kids hate those big Hannah Montana birthday cards that say, “You’re SO cool!” Most kids are smart enough to know that these cards are mass produced self-esteem boosters. But all they’ll really do is remind kids of how much money Miley Cyrus is rolling in, which will make them bitter and angry on their birthday. Did you ever think 9 years ago that millions of children would be saying, “I wish I will Billy Ray Cryus’ kid?” Me neither. I was certain that his kids would be hiding that fact, like Vanilla Ice’s kids or Detroit Lions football fans.

- Speaking of embarassing, it makes me sad that AC/DC is selling their CD’s exclusively at Wal-Mart. Not because I have anything against Wal-Mart. It’s just that Wal-Mart is also selling AC/DC t-shirts… right next to their Hello Kitty merchandise. “For those about to buy embarrassingly cute backpacks, we salute you!”

- What exactly are young boys watching now-a-days? When I was a kid, you had G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats and He-Man. Now, where are those kind of cartoons? Pokemon? Yugi-oh? Dragonball Z? Is this how we are making young men now? Instilling the desire to capture weird creatures and dye their hair neon colors? I know this a weird “back in my day” argument considering my father barely had a television and walked to school through the snow. But considering how easy my generation had it, I’ll take what I can get. And in this case, it’s “back in my day, we had real cartoons and no internet.”

- Speaking of old, I imagine it would be frustrating to be the person who has to explain internet fads to parents. “OK, your son likes a website called I Can Has Cheezeburger. No, it’s not porn! What kind of porn has cheeseburgers? Wait, don’t answer that question. I Can Has Cheezeburger has pictures called LOLCats. Yes, LOL does stand for laughing out loud! No, the cats the aren’t laughing out loud because cats don’t laugh… Why is it called LOLCats? Because the pictures of the cats have captions with deliberately poor grammar. Why? Because cats wouldn’t have good grammar, and the idea of a cat talking with poor grammar is endearing… Ugh, I don’t know why the cats can speak English. I didn’t make the website… I quit! I am not explaining 4chan and YTMND…”

- You know those yellow caution road signs that say, “Slow Children at Play?” I saw one of those signs that said CHURCH. As if to make things more surreal, the sign on the church said, “Baptist” Church. Why the unnecessary quotes around Baptist? Are they being sarcastic? Do they “pray” to “God?” Are they being sarcastic about being Baptist? Are they really Christian Scientists or Catholics? Do they worship Hannah Montana or Xenu? Is this why there needed to be a caution sign on the road?

- Remember, when these banks and companies are getting billions of dollars in bailout money, it is to help the people. That is, unless the people owe any money. Then the people are screwed. Take Eileen Wilbur, a 74-year old blind woman who was threatened by the federal government with a lien on her house over a debt of 1 cent. There was an uproar by local citizens, yet she was still required to write a check for a penny. They probably spent hundreds of cents – nay, entire dollars – on sending out the letters to her telling her that she owed a penny. Can’t one of these companies donate a penny? Can’t GM send in one cent? Can’t Bush or Obama empty their pockets for loose change?Couldn’t 50 Cent donate a kidney? Tell me where to send a penny! This is outrageous.

- I find it strange that people exclaim, “Jesus Christ!” when an athlete screws up. No need to tell Jesus. He knew the Chicago Cubs would lose all these years and he let it happen anyway. Also, I find that many people use Jesus’ name either in a pretentious or ironic manner. For example, when they emphasize the second syllable, it’s pretentious. (Thank you Je-SUS for blessing us with this JetSki). However, when they emphasize the first syllable, it’s ironic. (Thank you JE-sus for the herpes). The only other name people generally use in a pretentious or ironic manner is George W. Bush. “President Bush should be impeached?” Pretentious. “President Bush is the greatest president ever?” Ironic.

- Woah! A shark had a virgin birth! You know what that means? SHARK JESUS! He gave the Sermon on the Reef. He is able to turn water into chum, feed 5000 with just one surfer and swim on dry land.

- I recently had a discussion on whether LSD should be legal. I thought about all the potential cultural changes, such as Surgeon General’s warning on LSD packages. “WARNING: That is not a real snake.” Plus, imagine the customer service representative just after taking a 10-minute LSD break. “Your car isn’t running because the giant spider is laying eggs in the carburetor.” And I hate to see a teacher trying to teach when their students slipped an LSD pill in their coffee.

- Dustin Pedoria just won the American League MVP, and everyone talked about how amazing it is that he won despite how tiny he is. He’s 5’9”! I’m 5’9”! I am tiny? Then, there is a wide receiver on Texas Tech who is 5’9” whom they call “The Elf.” Weird how people my size are referred to as midgets, dwarves and elves.

- I get amused by method actors who act like the character they are portraying at home, to the point where they make their spouse refer to them by their character’s name. Sometimes, I wonder what an actor would be like if they were doing method acting for bizarre roles that serve no purpose in real life. For example, Ice-T’s acting debut was as a half man-half kangaroo in Tank Girl. First off, Ice-T isn’t even his real name, it’s Tracy Lauren Marrow. No wonder he’s so angry, he has a girl’s name! Anyway, his wife/ho must come home one day and say, “Tracy, can you take out the trash?”

“Don’t call me Tracy!”
“Sorry” [Rolls eyes] “Ice-T.”
“Don’t call me Ice-T! I’m T-Saint!”
“Umm, why are you dressed like a giant kangaroo with dreds?”
“I am a kangaroo! Feed me some sticks!”

- I saw part a movie called Fluke that was so bad, it wasn’t even redeemable with unintentional humor. The reason I watched this movie was because of the character Rumbo, a St. Bernard voiced by Samuel L. Jackson. We came up with great potential Sam Jackson dog quotes such as, “Woman, if you don’t take me outside, I will pee on your rug!” “Do I look like a bitch?” “I’ve had it with these muthafuckin’ dog treats in this muthafuckin’ bowl!” Alas, it was a kids movie. There has probably never been a kids movie where more people were disappointed that there wasn’t mass profanity.

- Sex is weird. At one point, there were two people on Earth who had no idea what sex was and they managed to figure it out anyway. Most of us had the luxury of having an awkward conversation with our parents to figure this out where they tried to compare sex to birds and bees. (Well, not my dad. My dad said, “when a mommy and daddy love each other very much, the daddy sperms the mommy.) Not the first two humans. Where did they come from and how did they figure the sex thing out? I realize there is a religious can of worms that is opened with that question, but that still doesn’t answer how they figured it out? The first woman must have been like, “you want to do what? Why? You think that if we do that, there will be another one of us? Where will that person come from? WHAT? And what pain do you go through? None? You didn’t think this one through, did you?” Sex is weird.

- I went to this guy’s house, and there were 8 men living there with a one-eyed cat named Moses. I’m pretty sure that I had more teeth than all the rest of them combined. The moral of the story? Craigslist is shady.

- I recently heard on the news that the President can not eat anything unless the Secret Service visually sees the food prepared. This was recounted by former Presidential advisor Dick Morris, who told a story of how all the aides ordered pizza, and taunted Bill Clinton with it since he couldn’t have any. That puts the whole Monica Lewinsky scandal in a different perspective, no? She went into his office the first time with a box of pizza. Bill Clinton had not eaten a slice of pizza in six years, and this woman starts flirting with him while holding the forbidden box with the odor sweet, sweet pepperoni emanating from inside. “Mr. President, do you want a slice… of pizza?” He must have been like, “do I want happiness, or more happiness?” He didn’t stand a chance.

- I have a solution to the Guantanamo Bay situation. We should just open the gates and say, “be free, my pretties!” Then, they will realize that they are stuck in Cuba and will probably want to go back to prison. Too bad, now they live in Cuba.

Hope you enjoyed,
Matt Morrison