Mitigation of World Strife Through Humor and Chickens in Key West

Hey everyone,

I spent Christmas on a cruise of Key West and Cozumel, Mexico. Cozumel, Mexico was surpisingly dull; I spent most of the time on a bus going back from the Tulum Ruins (very cool) and a beach (not so cool, because it had been ravenged by a hurricane). Our bus got stopped by the Mexican Army, who were looking for people smuggling illegal immigrants and drugs from Belize. Also, I was amused by a store in Cozumel called, “Tequila and Drugstore Playa Mart.” I hope Snoop Dogg is involved. (By the way, I just saw the commercial for B.I.G. I won’t lie, I’m excited.) Anyway, the cool part of the cruise, for me anyway, was Key West. The night before, we were at dinner on the boat, and the two guys sitting with us were weirdos. The older guy told us not to go on the island because, “Key West is filled with hobos and homos.” What a weird place! Only the gay people have shelter. “Sorry sir, it appears as though you like women! Please leave the premises immediately!” The younger guy – who sounded like The Comic Book Guy – kept falling asleep and snoring, which makes eating awkward. At one point, I was genuinely worried that he had died. He eventually woke up to enjoy some Garlic Soup.

I’m going to start my Key West discussion by making a statement, and considering my well-documented love of pie, I understand the gravitas of this statement: Kermit’s Key West Key Lime Shoppe has the best Key Lime Pie I have ever had. In fact, it was so good that the next piece of Key Lime Pie I had, one that came from a recipe that won ‘Best Key Lime Pie in Venice, FL,’ was disappointing. I’m not even sure I can ever eat another piece of Key Lime Pie without feeling as though I had reached the summit and was settling. Fortunately, there is a recipe online, and I’m more than willing to order some of Kermit’s Key Lime juice. It is some good pie! They also sold Frozen Key Lime Pie on a Stick, which was just as amazing.

The best way to describe Key West is like Ocean City, but everywhere. The people there are not all homos and hobos; in fact, I only saw one hobo and men and women seemed to be holding hands. People from Key West say they are The Conch Republic. A history behind the Conch republic movement can be found here; basically, the US Government set up a blockade between Key West and the mainland to try to stop illegal immigration. They basically decided, “if you are going to treat us like a 3rd World Nation, we will become a 3rd World Nation.” So they were their own country on April 23, 1982. The motto of The Conch Republic is “We Seceded Where Others Failed,” and have a vision of “the mitigation of world tension through the exercise of humor.” They have actual passports which people have used to travel around the world. You can even apply for one. The best part is that they crack jokes on their webpage, but it is not a parody site. People from Key West are very proud about being from the Conch Republic; it’s just a very laid back place.

Within a couple of minutes of entering the city, you can’t help but notice that there are chickens all over the place. In fact, there is 1 chicken for every 12 people. They wander free through shops, museums and the streets and nobody touches them. The entire island of Key West is a bird sanctuary, and people used to keep them for cockfighting. Once cockfighting was banned, the mayor order that all the chickens be released. Now they wander throughout the island. Some people in Key West love them. Other’s can’t stand them. I guess it depends on how much damage they do to your garden, or pooping on your car. It is actually a $500 fine to touch a chicken.

There used to be a “Chicken Lady” named Kathy Sheehan (related to Cindy?) who would was legally allowed to capture roosters and put them in her house… umm… “bird sanctuary.” But she died, and now people down there are looking for other ideas. One of the ideas was to let “domestic” foxes run through the streets and eat them. Of course, the major drawback is that now you have a pack of wolves running unabeited through the island. I don’t know how a pack “domestic” foxes wandering through the town is any better than chickens, but wolves get rabies. Wolves also eat people when they get hungry enough. But hey, no chickens! My other personal favorite chicken-removal idea was to round up all the chickens and put them in the local dump (affectionately called Mount Trashmore), plant bird seed in the trash and surrond the entire island with a fence. Then, people can go over and get eggs to help feed the needy. It would be like Escape From New York for chickens. However, there were two majors problems with this plan. First, contrary to popular belief, chickens can, in fact, fly. The only way to enclose the chickens would be to build a Bio-Dome consisting of nothing but the waste products of the residents of Key West and a community of chickens. Second, the place is literally a dump. People have observed “purple pools of some unknown substance” on Mount Trashmore, and the last thing Key West is for the chickens to mutate into three-winged chickens… or ZOMBIES! Key West came thisclose to becoming a leper colony overrun with zombie chickens who are denying us the key limes necessary to makes delicious Key lime Pie! Needless to say, I am very glad this didn’t happen.

I got to go to Captain Tony’s Saloon, famous for being the place where Jimmy Buffett got his start. You parrotheads probably know that Buffett dedicated the song Last Mango in Paris to Captain Tony. Unfortunately, Captain Tony died a couple of months ago, so I never got to meet him. This is a man who once said, “all you need in life is a tremendous sex drive and a great ego. Brains don’t mean s**t.” And he said this during the Key West mayorial race. And he won by 32 votes! Imagine what would happen if Barack Obama or John McCain said that! Actually, I think that “tremendous sex drive and a great ego” described John Edwards perfectly. Anyway, Captain Tony’s platform was to, “limit Key West’s growth and to keep its reputation as a refuge for eccentrics and renegades who had found their way to the southernmost point of the continental United States.” (Did I mention this was an island that calls that prides itself on mitigating world tensions through humor and lets chickens run wild in the streets?)

To wrap up this terribly long note, some of my favorite Key West Signs: “Ornery Children will be tied to the Yardarm and left as sharkbait,” “Warning: Bad Dog,” “Enema Syringe Tips!,” “Pet a Live Shark! Really!” and “Red Barn Theatre: Featuring Wild Women of the Planet Wongo.”

Hope you enjoyed,
Matt Morrison