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Hey everyone,
I spent Christmas on a cruise of Key West and Cozumel, Mexico. Cozumel, Mexico was surpisingly dull; I spent most of the time on a bus going back from the Tulum Ruins (very cool) and a beach (not so cool, because it had been ravenged by a hurricane). Our bus got stopped by the Mexican Army, who were looking for people smuggling illegal immigrants and drugs from Belize. Also, I was amused by a store in Cozumel called, “Tequila and Drugstore Playa Mart.” I hope Snoop Dogg is involved. (By the way, I just saw the commercial for B.I.G. I won’t lie, I’m excited.) Anyway, the cool part of the cruise, for me anyway, was Key West. The night before, we were at dinner on the boat, and the two guys sitting with us were weirdos. The older guy told us not to go on the island because, “Key West is filled with hobos and homos.” What a weird place! Only the gay people have shelter. “Sorry sir, it appears as though you like women! Please leave the premises immediately!” The younger guy – who sounded like The Comic Book Guy – kept falling asleep and snoring, which makes eating awkward. At one point, I was genuinely worried that he had died. He eventually woke up to enjoy some Garlic Soup.
I’m going to start my Key West discussion by making a statement, and considering my well-documented love of pie, I understand the gravitas of this statement: Kermit’s Key West Key Lime Shoppe has the best Key Lime Pie I have ever had. In fact, it was so good that the next piece of Key Lime Pie I had, one that came from a recipe that won ‘Best Key Lime Pie in Venice, FL,’ was disappointing. I’m not even sure I can ever eat another piece of Key Lime Pie without feeling as though I had reached the summit and was settling. Fortunately, there is a recipe online, and I’m more than willing to order some of Kermit’s Key Lime juice. It is some good pie! They also sold Frozen Key Lime Pie on a Stick, which was just as amazing.
The best way to describe Key West is like Ocean City, but everywhere. The people there are not all homos and hobos; in fact, I only saw one hobo and men and women seemed to be holding hands. People from Key West say they are The Conch Republic. A history behind the Conch republic movement can be found here; basically, the US Government set up a blockade between Key West and the mainland to try to stop illegal immigration. They basically decided, “if you are going to treat us like a 3rd World Nation, we will become a 3rd World Nation.” So they were their own country on April 23, 1982. The motto of The Conch Republic is “We Seceded Where Others Failed,” and have a vision of “the mitigation of world tension through the exercise of humor.” They have actual passports which people have used to travel around the world. You can even apply for one. The best part is that they crack jokes on their webpage, but it is not a parody site. People from Key West are very proud about being from the Conch Republic; it’s just a very laid back place.
Within a couple of minutes of entering the city, you can’t help but notice that there are chickens all over the place. In fact, there is 1 chicken for every 12 people. They wander free through shops, museums and the streets and nobody touches them. The entire island of Key West is a bird sanctuary, and people used to keep them for cockfighting. Once cockfighting was banned, the mayor order that all the chickens be released. Now they wander throughout the island. Some people in Key West love them. Other’s can’t stand them. I guess it depends on how much damage they do to your garden, or pooping on your car. It is actually a $500 fine to touch a chicken.
There used to be a “Chicken Lady” named Kathy Sheehan (related to Cindy?) who would was legally allowed to capture roosters and put them in her house… umm… “bird sanctuary.” But she died, and now people down there are looking for other ideas. One of the ideas was to let “domestic” foxes run through the streets and eat them. Of course, the major drawback is that now you have a pack of wolves running unabeited through the island. I don’t know how a pack “domestic” foxes wandering through the town is any better than chickens, but wolves get rabies. Wolves also eat people when they get hungry enough. But hey, no chickens! My other personal favorite chicken-removal idea was to round up all the chickens and put them in the local dump (affectionately called Mount Trashmore), plant bird seed in the trash and surrond the entire island with a fence. Then, people can go over and get eggs to help feed the needy. It would be like Escape From New York for chickens. However, there were two majors problems with this plan. First, contrary to popular belief, chickens can, in fact, fly. The only way to enclose the chickens would be to build a Bio-Dome consisting of nothing but the waste products of the residents of Key West and a community of chickens. Second, the place is literally a dump. People have observed “purple pools of some unknown substance” on Mount Trashmore, and the last thing Key West is for the chickens to mutate into three-winged chickens… or ZOMBIES! Key West came thisclose to becoming a leper colony overrun with zombie chickens who are denying us the key limes necessary to makes delicious Key lime Pie! Needless to say, I am very glad this didn’t happen.
I got to go to Captain Tony’s Saloon, famous for being the place where Jimmy Buffett got his start. You parrotheads probably know that Buffett dedicated the song Last Mango in Paris to Captain Tony. Unfortunately, Captain Tony died a couple of months ago, so I never got to meet him. This is a man who once said, “all you need in life is a tremendous sex drive and a great ego. Brains don’t mean s**t.” And he said this during the Key West mayorial race. And he won by 32 votes! Imagine what would happen if Barack Obama or John McCain said that! Actually, I think that “tremendous sex drive and a great ego” described John Edwards perfectly. Anyway, Captain Tony’s platform was to, “limit Key West’s growth and to keep its reputation as a refuge for eccentrics and renegades who had found their way to the southernmost point of the continental United States.” (Did I mention this was an island that calls that prides itself on mitigating world tensions through humor and lets chickens run wild in the streets?)
To wrap up this terribly long note, some of my favorite Key West Signs: “Ornery Children will be tied to the Yardarm and left as sharkbait,” “Warning: Bad Dog,” “Enema Syringe Tips!,” “Pet a Live Shark! Really!” and “Red Barn Theatre: Featuring Wild Women of the Planet Wongo.”
Hope you enjoyed,
Matt Morrison
Hey everyone,
For anyone who has watched football over the last few weeks, you’ve probably seen the Beyonce DirecTV commercial enough times so that are probably already involuntarily humming, “Upgrade ya, Upgrade ya (Clap Clap) And lemme upgrade YOU to the best channels in HD… only on DirecTV… UPGRADE YA… I’m talking about the hottest channels… not that HD lineup you get on cable… DirecTV, now that’s a good look! Lemme lemme lemme upgrade ya grade ya!” This commercial is cross-producing her new album, I am… Sasha Fierce, in which Beyonce debuts her alter-ego, Sasha Fierce. Sasha Fierce, which is an anagram for ‘I Shear Faces’ and ‘Ass Face Heir,’ is Beyonce’s “sensual, aggressive alter ego” who is “strictly for the stage.” However, at first glance, there doesn’t appear to be much of a difference between Beyonce and her alter ego. For example, Beyonce and Sasha Fierce both love to have two backup singers wherever they go, whether it’s Destiny’s Child, Check on It, her movie DreamGirls or her Sasha Fierce video. Even as a child, it seems she had back-up singers and a camera at all times. It appears that Beyonce’s ego, alter ego and super ego have inferiority complexes that can only be solved by paying Kelly Rowland to follow her every move.
So what is the difference? Sasha Fierce wears a power glove! I was hoping that it was the Nintendo version of the Power Glove from the 1980s, and that Sasha Fierce would go on the road with Fred Savage to the Nintendo World Video Championships and, after intimidating the crowd with her Power Glove prowess, sneer at Rihana and say, “I love the Power Glove. It’s so bad.”
Tragically, Beyonc… err… Sasha Fierce is sporting a random titanium “power glove,” which means that Beyonce has all of the signs of the Musician Who Has Snapped and Completely Gone Off the Deep End. Here’s a checklist:
* Weird clothing such as flamboyant outfits, bizarre costumes, rhinestones, or gloves? CHECK
* Bizarre behavior? CHECK
* A double album? CHECK
(I mentioned this because my friend Steve has a theory that all musicians who put out a double album inevitably suck afterwards and their careers come crashing down. Prime example: The Smashing Pumpkins. I almost put Guns N’ Roses, but its debatable whether Use Your Illusion was a double album since it was two different CDs released on the same day. But Guns N’ Roses blew apart anyways after its release, so it proves my point.)
* An alter-ego that the musician considers an extension of their art, but nobody takes seriously? CHECK
By the way, it’s not a good omen for Beyonce’s career that the parallels between Sasha Fierce and Garth Brook’s laughably terrible Chris Gaines experiment are so strong. From the “Who is …” websites (Sasha Fierce and Chris Gaines), the bizarre outfits (the Power Glove and Chris Gaines’ bizarre country/emo outfit complete with soul patch) and contrived back stories. Did you know Chris Gaines released six albums from 1986-1996 with titles such as Straight Jacket and Fornucopia? No? That’s because they’re not real! Just like Sasha Fierce.
This alter ego trend is not limited to musicians. Take actress Anne Heche, who claimed that, while dating Ellen DeGenerous, her body was inhabited by Celestia, an alien from another planet who could talk to dead people, see into the future, and was a half-sister of Jesus Christ. I’ve always wondered how Ellen felt when Anne said, “we need to break up, because you haven’t been dating me. You’ve been dating an alien who possessed my body. But now that I’m OK and free from my alien oppressor, I don’t think we going to work.” That has to be on the list of most devastating break-ups ever! How do you bounce back from that? Is Ellen’s dancing shtick actually some spiritual cleansing ritual that makes her feel better? I need to know these things!
Some people embrace their alien alter agos. Take Cleveland Browns Wide Receiver Donte Stallworth, who believes that his body is inhabited by an alien from Mars named Nicco when he is playing:
Stallworth doesn’t let Nicco do interviews. He’s allowed to come out during games, but then, Stallworth says, Nicco is sent to Mars. “He only comes around during the game time,” Stallworth said. “And I say that because off the field, I’m laid back. I’m not a real outgoing person, but when I get on the field. I’m a totally different person. I feel like I’m just crazy out there, so he’s gone back now.”
Amazingly, there may be a photographed moment of when Nicco was created. In the end, alter egos like Nicco are harmless. Other alter egos, which magically appear when a football players commits any sort of felony like Michael “(Ron Mexico)” Vick and Plexico “Harris Smith” Burress.
Naturally, there is a fine line between “silly” and “bizarre.” Which is why I wasn’t really annoyed when Tampa Bay Buccaneers Defensive End Greg White legally changed his name from Gregory Alphonso White Jr. to Stylez G. White. The name ‘Stylez’ is based on the character Stiles from the movie Teen Wolf, and I’m not sure if changing it to ‘Stylez’ gives him more or less street cred or even if that matters in Tampa. (“Come on Stylez, let’s go the the original Hooters!”)
Nor was I terribly concerned when Chad Johnson changed his name to Chad Ocho Cinco since his jersery number is 85. Of course, if he gets traded to a team with a guy who already has #85, then he’s in real trouble. Plus, it would provide the opportunity to try to say “At Wide Receiver, Chad Ocho Cinco, #19″ without getting extremely confused and demanding that we change the number 4 to ‘Favre.’ At least he didn’t change his name to ‘Chad Uno Zero Uno Zero Uno Zero Uno.’
Yes, like Sasha Fierce, it’s a sign that Chad Johnson lost his mind. But it’s not harmless, unless you had Chad Johnson on your fantasy team, then you’re screwed. You aren’t dating the alien half-sister of Christ, getting shot in the leg by Harris Smith or catching herpes from Ron Mexico. Of course, his fantasy stats may have been better if he was wearing a Power Glove.
Hope you enjoyed,
Matt “LaMatthew Poland” Morrison
Hey everyone,
I got a random text message from my friend Laura, which said: “Great quote heard about an awful movie – Twilight: And when in direct sunlight, he wasn’t dying, he was just wearing body glitter.” I was in no condition to question or mock this text message for a number of reasons. First, I was drunk and watching High School Musical 3. Second, I was completely unfamiliar and uninterested in Twilight. From an outsider’s perspective, it seemed like Emo Buffy the Goth Vampire Slayer. Plus, I wasn’t particularly interested in Twilight, because vampire movies have been terrible since “Interview with the Vampire” simultaneously killed the genre and began Tom Cruise’s crazed descent into Oprah’s couch.
Vampire movies had always been horrifying, like Nosferatu; drenched in camp, like Blacula (“Dracula’s Soul Brotha!”) or “Blood and Donuts”; or both, like From Dusk Til Dawn. In all of these movies, the vampires chased after human prey. But “Interview with the Vampire” presented a twist: the vampire as victim. They were still dark and foreboding, but they were emoting instead of killing. The vampire also became hyper sexualized, so they become horny emo guys. This is why I was intrigued by the “body glitter” comment, because – as we all know – the only vampire to walk during the day is Blade, and he’s now in jail for tax evasion charges. I feared that this was an angle to make the vampires more empathic, and therefore more cliche.
Well, as it turns out, the vampires in Twilight do not die when they see the sun. Instead, their skin shines like diamonds when the sun hits – just like Michael Jackson! The concept of vampires not fearing the sun is not unique; it was already done in Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. And the vampires consciously choose to not go outside because the glowing skin gives away their position. They are vampires; they are much stronger, much faster and EAT PEOPLE! I am pretty confident they would control the world if they decided to emerge from the darkness. And I don’t think people could run away from them, even if they glow. Velociraptors could glow all them want, but if they are chasing me, I’m not getting away.
I don’t buy the logic. The real reason, in my opinion, these vampires don’t go into the sun is so they have an excuse to be sad and pout around while shopping at Hot Topic and Trader Joe’s. They can’t go out during the day, and society hates them, which makes them forbidden… and therefore sexy to teenage girls.
I hadn’t figured out this dynamic of the popularity of the film when I posted this as a Facebook status: “how is Twilight popular? I am the only person who realizes how dumb the premise is?” As you can probably tell, I set off a firestorm of teen angst. I got about 30 e-mails separate from that thread from people telling me why I am an idiot for not recognizing that Edward is sexy and I am jealous because I don’t glitter in the sun (I don’t glitter, I burn because I’m Irish) and that I don’t appreciate people who love brooding, dark loners in movies who then go to school and pick on brooding, dark loners in real life.
My personal favorite e-mail was from my friend Becky Reyno, who writes, “ok let’s have this out right now. It’s about forbidden love, instant chemistry and the perfect man who could crush you with his hand. How HOT is that? and by the way YOU’RE a dumb premise….oooh snap! although I’m not into it like the 15 year old girls. I don’t scream and cry and cut my neck…. Yikes. That being said, I would do Robert Pattinson, Edward and Robert Pattinson as Edward in a hot second.”
Forbidden love, instant chemistry and the perfect man who could crush you with his hand… it’s Ike Turner! So let me get this straight: the perfect man is a guy whose skin condition makes him look like Michael Jackson when he goes outside and says lines like, “Do I dazzle you?” Seriously? Think about it for a second; if somebody came up to you and said, “Do I dazzle you,” exactly how fast are you trying to find an exit? (Or in this case, since he’s a vampire, a stake).
I suppose I don’t get it. I’m not a brooding loner, I am usually liked by my girlfriend’s parents and I am not particularly forbidden. Maybe I am just out of touch with reality. Maybe I’m a hater.
It’s still a stupid premise.
Hope you enjoyed,
Matt Morrison
Hey everyone,
- I am pretty sure kids hate those big Hannah Montana birthday cards that say, “You’re SO cool!” Most kids are smart enough to know that these cards are mass produced self-esteem boosters. But all they’ll really do is remind kids of how much money Miley Cyrus is rolling in, which will make them bitter and angry on their birthday. Did you ever think 9 years ago that millions of children would be saying, “I wish I will Billy Ray Cryus’ kid?” Me neither. I was certain that his kids would be hiding that fact, like Vanilla Ice’s kids or Detroit Lions football fans.
- Speaking of embarassing, it makes me sad that AC/DC is selling their CD’s exclusively at Wal-Mart. Not because I have anything against Wal-Mart. It’s just that Wal-Mart is also selling AC/DC t-shirts… right next to their Hello Kitty merchandise. “For those about to buy embarrassingly cute backpacks, we salute you!”
- What exactly are young boys watching now-a-days? When I was a kid, you had G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats and He-Man. Now, where are those kind of cartoons? Pokemon? Yugi-oh? Dragonball Z? Is this how we are making young men now? Instilling the desire to capture weird creatures and dye their hair neon colors? I know this a weird “back in my day” argument considering my father barely had a television and walked to school through the snow. But considering how easy my generation had it, I’ll take what I can get. And in this case, it’s “back in my day, we had real cartoons and no internet.”
- Speaking of old, I imagine it would be frustrating to be the person who has to explain internet fads to parents. “OK, your son likes a website called I Can Has Cheezeburger. No, it’s not porn! What kind of porn has cheeseburgers? Wait, don’t answer that question. I Can Has Cheezeburger has pictures called LOLCats. Yes, LOL does stand for laughing out loud! No, the cats the aren’t laughing out loud because cats don’t laugh… Why is it called LOLCats? Because the pictures of the cats have captions with deliberately poor grammar. Why? Because cats wouldn’t have good grammar, and the idea of a cat talking with poor grammar is endearing… Ugh, I don’t know why the cats can speak English. I didn’t make the website… I quit! I am not explaining 4chan and YTMND…”
- You know those yellow caution road signs that say, “Slow Children at Play?” I saw one of those signs that said CHURCH. As if to make things more surreal, the sign on the church said, “Baptist” Church. Why the unnecessary quotes around Baptist? Are they being sarcastic? Do they “pray” to “God?” Are they being sarcastic about being Baptist? Are they really Christian Scientists or Catholics? Do they worship Hannah Montana or Xenu? Is this why there needed to be a caution sign on the road?
- Remember, when these banks and companies are getting billions of dollars in bailout money, it is to help the people. That is, unless the people owe any money. Then the people are screwed. Take Eileen Wilbur, a 74-year old blind woman who was threatened by the federal government with a lien on her house over a debt of 1 cent. There was an uproar by local citizens, yet she was still required to write a check for a penny. They probably spent hundreds of cents – nay, entire dollars – on sending out the letters to her telling her that she owed a penny. Can’t one of these companies donate a penny? Can’t GM send in one cent? Can’t Bush or Obama empty their pockets for loose change?Couldn’t 50 Cent donate a kidney? Tell me where to send a penny! This is outrageous.
- I find it strange that people exclaim, “Jesus Christ!” when an athlete screws up. No need to tell Jesus. He knew the Chicago Cubs would lose all these years and he let it happen anyway. Also, I find that many people use Jesus’ name either in a pretentious or ironic manner. For example, when they emphasize the second syllable, it’s pretentious. (Thank you Je-SUS for blessing us with this JetSki). However, when they emphasize the first syllable, it’s ironic. (Thank you JE-sus for the herpes). The only other name people generally use in a pretentious or ironic manner is George W. Bush. “President Bush should be impeached?” Pretentious. “President Bush is the greatest president ever?” Ironic.
- Woah! A shark had a virgin birth! You know what that means? SHARK JESUS! He gave the Sermon on the Reef. He is able to turn water into chum, feed 5000 with just one surfer and swim on dry land.
- I recently had a discussion on whether LSD should be legal. I thought about all the potential cultural changes, such as Surgeon General’s warning on LSD packages. “WARNING: That is not a real snake.” Plus, imagine the customer service representative just after taking a 10-minute LSD break. “Your car isn’t running because the giant spider is laying eggs in the carburetor.” And I hate to see a teacher trying to teach when their students slipped an LSD pill in their coffee.
- Dustin Pedoria just won the American League MVP, and everyone talked about how amazing it is that he won despite how tiny he is. He’s 5’9”! I’m 5’9”! I am tiny? Then, there is a wide receiver on Texas Tech who is 5’9” whom they call “The Elf.” Weird how people my size are referred to as midgets, dwarves and elves.
- I get amused by method actors who act like the character they are portraying at home, to the point where they make their spouse refer to them by their character’s name. Sometimes, I wonder what an actor would be like if they were doing method acting for bizarre roles that serve no purpose in real life. For example, Ice-T’s acting debut was as a half man-half kangaroo in Tank Girl. First off, Ice-T isn’t even his real name, it’s Tracy Lauren Marrow. No wonder he’s so angry, he has a girl’s name! Anyway, his wife/ho must come home one day and say, “Tracy, can you take out the trash?”
“Don’t call me Tracy!”
“Sorry” [Rolls eyes] “Ice-T.”
“Don’t call me Ice-T! I’m T-Saint!”
“Umm, why are you dressed like a giant kangaroo with dreds?”
“I am a kangaroo! Feed me some sticks!”
- I saw part a movie called Fluke that was so bad, it wasn’t even redeemable with unintentional humor. The reason I watched this movie was because of the character Rumbo, a St. Bernard voiced by Samuel L. Jackson. We came up with great potential Sam Jackson dog quotes such as, “Woman, if you don’t take me outside, I will pee on your rug!” “Do I look like a bitch?” “I’ve had it with these muthafuckin’ dog treats in this muthafuckin’ bowl!” Alas, it was a kids movie. There has probably never been a kids movie where more people were disappointed that there wasn’t mass profanity.
- Sex is weird. At one point, there were two people on Earth who had no idea what sex was and they managed to figure it out anyway. Most of us had the luxury of having an awkward conversation with our parents to figure this out where they tried to compare sex to birds and bees. (Well, not my dad. My dad said, “when a mommy and daddy love each other very much, the daddy sperms the mommy.) Not the first two humans. Where did they come from and how did they figure the sex thing out? I realize there is a religious can of worms that is opened with that question, but that still doesn’t answer how they figured it out? The first woman must have been like, “you want to do what? Why? You think that if we do that, there will be another one of us? Where will that person come from? WHAT? And what pain do you go through? None? You didn’t think this one through, did you?” Sex is weird.
- I went to this guy’s house, and there were 8 men living there with a one-eyed cat named Moses. I’m pretty sure that I had more teeth than all the rest of them combined. The moral of the story? Craigslist is shady.
- I recently heard on the news that the President can not eat anything unless the Secret Service visually sees the food prepared. This was recounted by former Presidential advisor Dick Morris, who told a story of how all the aides ordered pizza, and taunted Bill Clinton with it since he couldn’t have any. That puts the whole Monica Lewinsky scandal in a different perspective, no? She went into his office the first time with a box of pizza. Bill Clinton had not eaten a slice of pizza in six years, and this woman starts flirting with him while holding the forbidden box with the odor sweet, sweet pepperoni emanating from inside. “Mr. President, do you want a slice… of pizza?” He must have been like, “do I want happiness, or more happiness?” He didn’t stand a chance.
- I have a solution to the Guantanamo Bay situation. We should just open the gates and say, “be free, my pretties!” Then, they will realize that they are stuck in Cuba and will probably want to go back to prison. Too bad, now they live in Cuba.
Hope you enjoyed,
Matt Morrison
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